My greatest fear.

Is probably the possibility of ever leading my life suffereing from dimentia.

But related to that, is probably my second greatest fear. Becoming "old."

Now, I know I'll age, and I actually don't mind that. I've wanted my hair to turn white since I was a very young man.

What I'm afraid of is becoming "old." Becoming one of those people who decides the world must now respect me, and I have no reason to change with it. I never want to be too afraid, too smug, or too unaware to just let the world pass me up. I dread the possibility.

I really have very very little patience for those people who behave in that way. I think again it comes from theatre (and my ever constant love-hate relationship with it.)

In Theatre it seems that everyone has an age where they decide they know everything about how it all works and they will never ever do it differently again. They'll never take the time to look at themselves and see how they might improve the way they do things. They simply continue, giving themselves the benefit of the doubt that all their "experience" and "knowledge" must make them absolutely infallible in every instance. I've worked with more than one person like this. I've worked with many people like this.

Theatre is no doubt where it comes from in my life, but also all my years in church does not help. Essentially after being a very steadfastly believing, extremely faithful Christian for many years, those sort of people destroyed my faith. I've really held alot of resentment for them ever since.

It's like a pair of goggles. Once you're old enough to have them on, you never believe you need to self-evaluate, notice the way things are now different, the way the world has changed. I really really am scared that I'll ever wear those goggles. I really hope that with everything I do, I find a way to keep myself active and aware even in my advanced years.

On a happier note, Casey is in Hanover to see her play, Slaying the Dragon, and she was very excited about how the run went last night! I'm happy for her.